October Series- 10/8 || The Day I Gave Up On My Family…..

******I wrote this post months ago, in the depth of the darkest place. I had another post written but as I read over this tonight, I just feel it needs to be posted. I wrote this whole post all those on those months ago & it has just been sitting in the draft pile for two reasons. 1. I didn’t realize it was done. 2. The biggest reason, I was scared. But we never grow  if we never stretch. 

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I give up. I gave up. I am giving up. 

I am not talking about that throw all the stuff on the ground & scream “I can’t do it anymore. I give up!” kind of giving up.

I am not talking about that drop to your knees & through the heaves of emotion & struggle “I can’t do it anymore. I give up!” kind of giving up.

I am talking about that quite moment after every thing has gone wrong, the emotion has passed, & you just go about your day in silence. No words. No emotions. Nothing. Just giving up. That is the kind of giving up I am talking about. 

For me it happened when my 3-year-old woke up at 5am & walked downstairs to tell me he pooped in his diaper. 30 minutes before he did the prior day. An hour before he did 2 days earlier. There was a pattern developing & I was told to deal with it by changing. Because the change I had been doing wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for me to set an alarm for an hour before the kids got up & then an hour & a half. It wasn’t enough. I still needed to change some more. 

After the emotional outburst & wrenching sarcasm regarding my excitement of starting my day before the crack of dawn, I stood in silence cleaning dishes. I stood in silence making school lunch. I stood in silence doing my make-up. No words. Hardly any thoughts. Just the playing of the same lyrics over & over & over….

You brought me to the desert, so you could be my water

Your brought to the fire, so you could be my shield

You brought me to the darkness, so you could be my morning light…

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, you will make a way

Wherever we go, I will be holding to the promise you have made

You will make a way…

When I am in the valley, you will be my comfort

When I am at the end of me, I find you there

When I am in the battle, you will be my prince of peace

Because you brought me this far…

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, you will make a way

Wherever we go, I will be holding to the promises you’ve made….

Cause you brought me this far….

You will make a way….

It wasn’t until a text came….”5am came early. lol” . My response….”5am has broken me”

I was broken. In that very moment I. Was. Broken. Tears fell down my face. The kind you don’t fight, because you know you can’t control them. The tears of the beaten down & broken-hearted. The tears that stream no matter what. Tears of surrender. Tears relinquishing control. Tears & a heart that look up to God with a prayerful soul & say…I give up!

I didn’t give up on my family. Today I gave them up.  I gave them to The One. The only One that has any kind of control. Regardless of how desperately we grasp for control, peace & joy are only found in giving up. Complete & totally. 

I have no words to say, don’t know what I should pray

God I need you, God I need you

Oh Lord, my faith is tired & tears fill up my eyes

But I will trust you, I will trust you

Whatever comes my way, you have taught me to say

Amen. Let your kingdom come

Amen. Let your will be done

And through the rise & fall, Your God above it all…

When I can bearly stand, You strengthen me again

I will seek you, I will seek you

Though troubles may arise, my hands reach to the sky

I will praise you, I will praise you

Whatever comes me way, you have taught me to say…

ahhhhmeeen!

In Mark 14, Jesus himself breaks down as he looks into the face of his death on the cross. Vs 34 & 35 say “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death…he fell to the ground & prayed…’Abba, Father everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will’.” Jesus, of all people in this world, overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the reality facing him. He cries out to God. So if he can cry out to God, shouldn’t I cry out to God? If he begged God for this hour to pass quickly, shouldn’t I be begging God in my hard times. Is my hard time death related, no. But the bible doesn’t stipulate when it is ok for us to cry out to God & what is appropriate for us to cry out to God. It, He, tells us time & time again to cry out to Him. 

I am staring into the face of one of the most difficult trials I have ever dealt with… motherhood. I find myself at my breaking point more often than not these days. I find myself praying for God to change him. Make him obey. Make him listen. Give me the words to say. When maybe all along God was slowly breaking me down.

John 15: 2 says “he cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful” Verse 4 & 5 continue with”…No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me…apart from me you can do nothing”.  

I thought I was walking with God & I was. I am. But walking beside Him & walking foot by foot in the foot prints in the sand before me, is different. I found myself wondering when today will make sense. When I can look back & claim James 1:2-4 “Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” I look forward to that day. I look forward to this trial being behind me. I look forward & up!

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