I am not a morning person. My 4-year-old could probably tell you that; yet here I sit at 5:45, after having been awake for over an hour, writing to you, dear reader. I want to say this is a rarity, but if I were completely honest, I feel like this might become more frequent. I say that because as I sit in my chair at my desk, in front of an open window that might as well be a black curtain, I feel like Jacob wrestling with God.
I went to dinner with some MOPS friends last night, so I didn’t put my daughter to bed like I normally do. I should have known at some point she would wake me up with her sweet & pitiful little cries “momma, momma”. This morning, however, those cries came at 4:30. Normally, I can go back to sleep, but not this morning. This morning as I climbed back into bed, thoughts of writing a book & a study flooded my head like a dam that burst after a consistent trickle.
“What should I write about?”
“What should the study be about?”
“Should I put the current outline on the back burner until I’m a bit further out of the mess?”
“Should I just start writing & have faith that God will guide me?”
“Where do I start?”
“Am I just stalling & pulling a Gideon or am I just genuinely confused as to where to start?”
See here’s my delemnia…I have never written a book. I certainly have never written a bible study. I have led bible studies, but teaching the material of another God-inspired teacher is a lot different from searching for that inspiration yourself. And as far as I can tell writing a book or a study isn’t something that everybody knows about. I can’t just poll Facebook “hey, anyone know how I would go about starting to write a bible study? How do I choose a topic?” It isn’t like writing a blog.
Starting a blog is easy, there are tons of tutorials on how to do it. I even took a class in college on how to set up, write, & publish a blog (that was 10 years ago–oh my word, 10 years [insert moans]– back when blogging was still a newish thing). The following through with writing a blog is the hard part (as I talked about a few posts back), but the starting part is easy. I’m sure it’s a safe bet that if you where to ask “How do you start a blog?” on social media, you would come back to quite a few responses from people who have been there & done that.
That is not the case with writing. Most people I know aren’t writers– even though God has supremely blessed me with friends who are pursing their writing dreams too, check out those ladies here & here. I don’t know anyone who has written a full-on book with a bible study to accompany it. The people I know of are either big (I mean big leaguers hey Beth & Priscilla & Angie) or they are so busy in their own ministries that they don’t have the time to field emails & questions from every “Marissa” that comes along.
So here I sit….foggy eyed, a little cold, with Jon Dahlander playing from my speakers & lost. Wrestling.
Not wrestling for control, but wrestling with a lack of direction. Holding on for that blessing, in my case a blessing of direction, & grabbing for the hem of his robe for clarity in my petition.
Now it’s 6:11 & it is still dark…….