As I was flipping through my writing notebook looking for something for today’s blog because I had this big black space staring back at me where a blog title should be, the first thing I came across was actually a prayer I wrote last fall for my son & I. It sat untouched & untyped in my notebook because I just didn’t know if I wanted to share it. It was following-up a brutal summer we had & it was literally a cry to God for something to change. I didn’t know if I would be judged for it- actually I knew I would be, which is why it still sat there.
We have all seen those social media posts from our mom friends & their heart is just bursting wide open for their kids. They go gaga over their kids- sure some of it is a highlight reel, a way to find gratitude in a day that just sucked- I have done that too [like this picture from last week]. But maybe that is how it is all the time for them. Their heart just wants to explode because they are so in love with their kids all the time. That is how it looks on my end, like they have nothing but love & no frustration or bitterness.
Then there are other moms, those who sometimes feel like it is a struggle to love our kids [FYI: I almost erased that sentence, but I feel like the realness just needs to stay despite how icky it might feel to say it out loud]. Now don’t get me wrong. I love my kids to pieces & I can barely handle how much I love them sometimes. But other times, it is a struggle to love them…well, to act like you love them & enjoy them. Some days are just hard. Tantrums, attitudes, ugly words & faces, little-size-10-feet stomping through the house with the proverbial smoke steaming from his or her ears. It is hard to love that. Be honest about it– not a fun time to be a momma. When I think about my friends who struggle to get pregnant, have lost a baby or a child, or have dealt with complicated & scary pregnancies, the guilt of feeling the way I feel is elevated to an almost unbearable level. The level that makes me keep these feelings & posts like this bottle up inside.
But as I read through this prayer, I saw the desperation I felt when I prayed it. A prayer to just love my kids, the way I see other moms loving theirs. Not just to love them, but to be in love with them in that innocent mommy/kid way. Really it was a prayer to love them the way Jesus loves me.
I am too hard on my kids. I expect too much from them, especially my son. I am expecting him to act & obey like a person many years his senior, yet he is just a little boy. Emphasis on little. God change my eyes please! Make my eyes see how little he is & not how big he has grown to be. Change my eyes to see his youth rather than his growth. Change my eyes for my son. Make me see him as yours, not mine. I am merely babysitting him for you, God. He is yours! I give him back to you. I will no longer focus on his flaws, but on his attributes & his blessings from you. Thank you for blessing me with him.
So like I said at the beginning, I didn’t want to share this- I still don’t want to, which is why I have held onto it for so long; but I just have this inkling that there is a fellow momma out there who needs to read it. To know she isn’t alone. I sure could have used some of those last year when I struggled so deeply with this whole motherhood thing. So to the momma reading this, with tears in your eyes because for the first time you don’t feel like the most awful person ever for the way you feel– you are not alone. You are doing a fantastic job. You ARE a good mom. Don’t let anyone or anything make you feel guilty or bad for struggling. I struggle too. We all do, whether we admit it or not. I will be praying for you!